The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
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“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps