[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
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Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!