To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
You Might Also Like
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.