To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
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Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Me too
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.