To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
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I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor