To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.