To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
he looks great for his age
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.