@SlipCarefully: To avoid looking at the glass as half empty or full, i drink straight from the bottle.
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@DaddyJew: *sees Earth trending* *whispering to self* please don't be dead, please don't be dead, please don't be dead
@truegritrumble: MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you're not taking this seriously. ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
@hippieswordfish: ME: isn't this great?? WIFE: not really ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong
@bobvulfov: FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend ME: generic excuse FRIEND: did u just say "generic excuse"