interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
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A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse