To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
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You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch