To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
You Might Also Like
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.