@pmclellan: To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant.
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@markleggett: Reports are now emerging from Russia that Putin rode the meteorite while shirtless, steering it away from a box of kittens.
@BlindChow: (Ok don't let her know ur Jesus) Girl: Meet my dad *they shake hands* *Dad stands up from wheelchair* Dad: It's a miracle! Jesus: *facepalm*