I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
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I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
umm…
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’