Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
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people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.