[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
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I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do