I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
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[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Breaking news:
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
The legends speak of a third Duran…
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.