My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
live, laugh, laundry.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.