HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
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To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.