To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
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WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.