To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
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Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”