to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
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Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.