To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Someone just threatened to call me later
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.