*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
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You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Bit chilly again tonight.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore