To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
You Might Also Like
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?