To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
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“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”