“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.