“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.