To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
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Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.