To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you