@Cpin42: To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
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@murrman5: My boss said when I'm at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said "you're the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it"
@Shock_Monster: HR: Let's talk about why you were late today. Me: I told you! HR: DRAGONS AREN'T "RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!" Me: Duh. That's why I was late.
@DrunksWithGuns: Her: I'm leaving... Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place. Her:...for the store. Me: Oh.....Pick me up some Funyuns?
@davidkenny100: American: I was just at a shotgun wedding Me: How far pregnant was the bride? American: You English are insane Shotguns can't get pregnant