[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Me checking my bank balance online.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.