@BillCorbett: To celebrate Independence Day I'm finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!
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@DaHess1: "We heard reports that some guy saw a snowflake one time somewhere so we better cancel 5,000 flights." - Airlines
@MondayPajamas: My cleaning lady always leaves me a list of supplies she needs to clean the house. Not sure what she needs 20 boxes of cold medicine though
@CrazyExhaustion: 5yo: What's a cannibal? Me: A person that eats another person. 5yo's eyes widen in horror. Me: You said cannonball, didn't ya?
@CornOnTheGoblin: "Did you remember to take the dog out?" Ah crap, I forgot [Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS