My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.