Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely