Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
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Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”