[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
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god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Happy thanksgiving
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Breakfast for Stoners:
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.