the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
You Might Also Like
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.