I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
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Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I’ve been drinking.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.