Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
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My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?