I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
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SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
this post was so formative to me
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
new shirt idea
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD