to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
You Might Also Like
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
beware of dog
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean