*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.