To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
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When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament