To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
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I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion