To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
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My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.