“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
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What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?