“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
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Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
me when I see my crush
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow