@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@stephenjmolloy: Friend: Don't come on too strong is my dating tip. [At the restaurant] Her: Can you pass the salt, please? Me: Sorry, it's too heavy.
@riverpig12: Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.
@BuckyIsotope: UBER DRIVER: Where to ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body SIRI: The bog ME: nearest bog please