@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
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@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: you have 3 fishes ME: you mean wishes, right? GENIE: times are tough ME: GENIE: ME: GENIE: ME: I'll take two mackerel and a goldfish
@Rollmaninoz: Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It's a bird! *squints* It's a plane... *puts on glasses* Oh, it's a plane. Lois: CLARK?!?
@rickolantern: The baby changing station in this Chili's bathroom is broken I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one