@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@nbadag: [me at 22] in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs [me at 32] i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
@Mz_Cake_Vodka: My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But I can't drive a bus.
@DomBorrett: Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket... You can't have it both ways mate
@my_boy_joey: I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.