To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
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Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?