@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
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@SteveDutzy: Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion? Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
@kashmir_lover1: According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking According to my bartender, I look great Moral of the story: I'm drunk