@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
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@iwearpajamas: My girlfriend talks to her dog like it's going to talk back. Kind of like when Christians talk to God.
@SooInnocentDad: Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!
@myonlymizztake: When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
@Jazzzzzmina: Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you're happy and in love... Maybe I was in jail.