To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
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Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
birds and squirrels envy us
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.