@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
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@daemonic3: FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car [hours later after date] HER: It's been 18 miles ME: I insist HER: But you drove both of us
@iamspacegirl: [3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time] me: why didn't your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today
@Ivsy01: A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I'm like I'm not looking for anything serious right now.