To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
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Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
called in thicc to work this morning
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.