[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
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ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
rapatouille
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.