To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
happy valentine’s day to me
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”