Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
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People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel